Walking into the local pharmacy, earnestly praying that luck smiles at me this time. I sight the lady at the counter, “a bottle of Benylin” I requested.
She bends and brings out a bottle which she begins to pack almost immediately while muttering something which sounded like the direction for use, she was not actually muttering but that was what it however sounded like.
“Sorry,” I interrupted her quickly while leaning towards the counter, “Not ordinary Benylin, I want Benylin with codeine.”
I felt ashamed from the quick glare she gave me while she made to return the ordinary Benylin, ashamed because I knew I sounded desperate and crazy, this was not me on a good day. I was the smart accountant in my early twenties, the guy who represented my firm at very important occasions, I was the saxophonist in church who every young man around wanted to emulate and here I was, the only son of my father who he would not hesitate to make boast of before his friends, not that I was no longer the saxophonist or accountant or the good son. I still was but this thing, this addiction made me a crazy retard or so it seemed.
The voice of the pharmacist woke me from my reverie, “We don’t sell that without prescription sir.” She replied with a polite smile.
Apparently luck wasn’t smiling at me, I shuffled with my pocket and acted a little disorganized, “I had the prescription but I think I lost it.” I replied.
Oh no! I had gone on to add a lie to my addiction problem.
She had still insisted that she would not sell to me, as I walked out of the pharmacy without the drug, I tried to picture what went wrong with my life. But the codeine demon got the better of me and all I could hear was ‘feed me.’ I hurried to where I had packed my car and swerved into the lane by my right, I had to get this codeine. I knew I would, all that I needed was to find a pharmacist who wasn’t ethical or who didn’t mind getting cash or a sales person who was indifferent and was just all up for selling the drug, I certainly would get this drug.
As I drove it never occurred to me to pray, no! It was always like this, the thought to pray would only come when I had satisfied this demon that drove my addiction, then I’d feel sorry and begin to ask for forgiveness but now I was not thinking that, all I wanted was a bottle of Benylin with codeine.
Okay, out of story pals, it’s exactly 7:22am by my phone time which is actually correct and it’s the 24th of December 2014, I’m simply documenting the time because I’d post this on a later day as the data count on my phone currently reads a shameless zero.
As I type into my phone, I’m lost at what to title this piece. Do I call it ‘the demon within’, or ‘secret sins’?
I really don’t know.
This is not an article to condemn anyone, I also have issues, we all do at some point in our lives.
Different addictions, it’s quite sad that when we feel we are totally free from an issue that has held us bound for years, we fall right back into it in the most unbelievable way possible. We’ve prayed about it, seeked counselling about it and then we’re back into it.
That pang of jealousy we feel when someone is ahead and better than us, the way we lie our ways into and out of situations, our browser’s history revealing more of pornographic sites and images, the moments we hide in our isolation and touch our sensitive parts all in the name of masturbation, our continuous visits to the brothel, our usual investments into 360bet, 9jabet, baba ijebu and other forms of gambling, or hiding in the bathroom to smoke and then filling our mouths with menthol to hide the smell, or we just can’t help it but wanting to get sexual pleasure by force, with violence, raping innocent people even if it requires becoming a paedophile.
We want to stop but we find it hard.
Okay, maybe some people have not yet seen a reason to stop. *shrugs* Maybe! And maybe not!!!
The truth is the first issue here is admitting, we fail to admit that we have a problem and that we need help. For some this is not a problem anymore as they’ve gone past this stage.
For others, we are afraid to ask for help. Inasmuch as it’s not easy, it’s vital, there are life coaches, counselors, psychiatrist, pastors, spiritual fathers, best friends who are not the source of the bad influence who can help.
We just need someone to hold us accountable, a human being in this case because God will forever hold us accountable.
But I have to add that caution is needed in whom you tell your story to.
God understands, as much as we feel He doesn’t, the beautiful thing is he actually does and that’s why He keeps giving us a second chance to his love but it seems we keep throwing it away.
We feel dirty but when we seek Him ‘wholeheartedly’ and wholeheartedly I insist. He helps us.
For others, we thought we were free but then we yielded to that temptation, we watched that movie that we knew was unrated and we fell again.
God has not given us any temptation that is above us, no! He has given us such that we can overcome them and has also provided a way of escape.
I really wish to go on and on. But the question is, ‘What are you entangled in?’
Okay, I think I just got my title- entangled. *smiles* Seems the drama night in church tomorrow is the inspiration.
Back to the discussion, if you’re entangled, admit it and seek help from God. Always bear in mind that others have trailed that part before and some were rescued because they chose to be saved, others weren’t but then life remains a matter of choice.
And bear in mind that it’s not just about the willpower, Oh no! That will fail you before you even start… You need to seek God for His help.
What’s your choice?
For me, I choose to make 2015 better, I choose to be better than I’ve been all the while through God’s help and unchanging grace, I know I will.
So help me God.
This is my choice, make yours.
Happy new year everyone, I really appreciate those who have incessantly checked up on me. I’m really grateful.
I’m fine, things are albeit complicated but like I said, I’m determined to make 2015 better.
To all ‘Meant To Be’ readers, my deepest apologies especially those who follow this story on Nairaland. The reason I’ve decided not to login to Nairaland is because I can’t face you guys especially when I know there’s nothing to offer.
I’m on a mission to find the inspiration for MTB which is why personally I’m reading the story all over again. I think I lost the inspiration because I still write other articles and presently I’m starting a new story but I’ve promised myself not to post any story online until it’s complete to avoid disappointing myself and the lovely people who read my works.
I’m deeply sorry, it’s more than a year and I feel ashamed.
To those who followed my blog in 2014 despite my inconsistency, those who commented, shared, reblogged, liked and referred others. I’m grateful.
To those posting my stories on their sites or other sites, please it’s 2015. Let’s kindly stop such and stick to posting just the links. Thanks everyone.
Have a blessed 2015 full of laughter, joy and most importantly fulfillment.