Fisayo had pulled me to a corner by the street and I had given her details about how I knew my life had become a waste at my age.
How I was a disappointment to my parents, how I had disobeyed my mother willfully. I had not followed what we had been taught in Sunday school.
I had decided to have a boyfriend, I had done things I should not have done with Azeez. If I were to write a list of my offences, it would most definitely be a long one.
“Let’s talk to an adult now, let’s try your mummy. She is nice oh,”
Fisayo deserved an award for persistence, she had been trying to convince me to confess to my mother ever since. I however did not buy the idea, it could not work.
I shook my head in disapproval, there was no way my mother was going to find out – not even over my dead body.
How could I look mother in the face and tell her that I had disobeyed her instructions? I still remember the first time I had seen my period, mother had sat me down and said quite a number of things to me.
Of course I had not paid special note to any, but now I wish I had. She had warned me not to be in a room with a guy alone, and to report to her if anyone tried to touch me inappropriately. She had also warned me on several occasions not to have a boyfriend, and had encouraged me to wait till I was mature.
Not only had I had a boyfriend, I had equally decided to be the girlfriend of a boy who was not a Christian. Another reason why I was sure she would skin me alive.
My mother did all she could to ensure she built what was the typical Christian family. She had tried to train all of her children according to biblical principles.
She was more church minded than my father who would rather spend his Sunday mornings drinking from a bottle of beer. My mother would wake us pretty early on Sunday mornings, she always made it a point of duty to ensure that we went to church unfailingly. She was an usher in our local church and she seemed to be diligent at it.
I could not dare to mention this mess I had gotten myself into to her.
“So what’s your plan, ehn? Tell me, what do you want to do?” Fisayo asked, breaking into my thoughts.
I had a plan, all I needed to do was get home before executing it.
“I want to kill myself, I told you already na,” I said and showed her the contents of the black nylon in my left hand.
“You’ll go to hellfire oh,” Fisayo shouted, “is that what you want? Why can’t we just tell your mummy or someone older?”
“No jooor, you don’t understand. If I tell my mom, she’ll kill me herself.”
“That’s what you think, of course she’ll be angry but with time she will come to understand and forgive you.”
“No, You still don’t get it. I would rather go to hellfire alone than drag my mom into it. I’ve told lies everytime I had to sneak to Azeez’s house, I’ve disobeyed all we were taught in Sunday school, I disobeyed my mom. I’m pregnant at the age of seventeen.”
“You’re sixteen jooor,” Fisayo corrected.
“That makes it worse,” I continued, “a sixteen year old mother, does that sound right to you? I have not achieved anything, I failed my exams and now I am pregnant. No way, my parents cannot find out.”
Fisayo was quiet.
I knew she was processing all I had told her, all I needed was for her to see my perspective. I would rather die and leave my parents with the memory of having brought up a good girl. If my mom found out and killed me herself, as in literally kill me; she would have my blood on her hands and would never forgive herself.
My family would also get to see the hypocrite I had been the whole time.
“I think I get what you mean,” Fisayo grabbed my right hand and her grip spoke volumes. Her hands surprisingly felt warm all of a sudden.
“But if you die, I won’t see you again. And then, there’s hellfire too.”
Her eyes were getting misty, I knew she was going to cry anytime soon. A part of me did not want her to cry. First of, Fisayo cried really loud. Her voice pitched in a very irritating way that drew people’s attention, secondly she got panic attacks occasionally whenever she cried.
I did not want a scenario where people would notice us neither did I want to start running around for a panacea to my friend’s asthma attacks.
“Fisayo please don’t cry, I beg you.” I said.
I was tempted to promise her anything if only she would hold back the tears. The wise part of my brain however restrained me, making a promise that carelessly to Fisayo could land me in trouble.
She sniffed and cleaned her eyes hurriedly before returning her grip on both my hands this time.
“There has to be another way, you don’t have to kill yourself.”
“Oya, wait. I will not do it today. I’ll do it tomorrow, but you must promise not to tell anyone at all about my plan.” I cautioned.
If she felt so sad about this, I was willing to sacrifice one day for our friendship.
“Okay,” she nodded, “but why are you postponing it till tomorrow when you will still do it?”
She stood, “I’m asking you not to do it all.”
I was not sure if she was angry. If only she knew how the thought of dying also terrified me somewhere in my head. I was not particularly excited, all I wanted was relief from the anguish that consumed me on the inside.
“See Fisayo, I want you to think it through and put yourself in my shoes. By tomorrow I’m sure you’ll understand.”
I stood to face her, hoping she would eventually come to terms with me.
She wore a grimace and I could tell she was trying so hard to fight the tears.
“I’ll only believe you on one condition.” She finally spoke after a sniff.
“What?” I asked curious as to what she had up her sleeves.
“You’ll give me the nylon and I’ll give you tomorrow. So you don’t trick me and go do it today.”
I stole a glance at the nylon in my hand and redirected my gaze to my friend whose eyes were shut this time. She was obviously sad and I felt bad that I did not place as much value on our friendship as she had.
I was however confused as to what to do.
Could I trust her enough to entrust the nylon bag and its contents to her?
It was a riddle I could not easily solve.
To be continued.
You can read the complete story for free on Okadabooks. Visit:
Episodes will be uploaded on blog every Monday and Thursday, 9am (GMT +1.00)