“Well, I guess it will be unfair to them.” I replied honestly.
“Exactly, it’s the same. Jesus died on the cross so that we would be saved. But ignoring it is basically ignoring the life he sacrificed on the cross. It’s like telling God to eat his love and allow us perish. It’s like choosing to perish willfully.”
I could not say anything. The doctor seemed to have a point but it still did not answer all my questions.
“But then why does God keep silent? I mean, if he truly loves as you claim, why does he allow us go through pain? Why does he ignore us even when we trust and pray?” I asked wanting to cry.
This was injustice and I needed answers so bad it hurt.
“Dear, God doesn’t ignore. Sometimes he might be quiet but on the long run, you’d realise he was planning something beyond your thoughts.”
She held my hands again. “When you place a pot of beans on the fire and it boils and boils, do you just put it down because it’s boiling and the water is spilling out of the pot?” She asked.
And all I could say was, “no.”
“You have to wait for it to cook well, right?” she asked again.
“Yes,” I replied silently.
“It’s something like that. Sometimes God subjects us to the heat to train and groom us. He doesn’t say anything even though the heat might be too tough but he’s watching us from time to time. We just have to trust that he’s got this figured out. That’s where faith comes in. You have to trust and sit back while he cooks you appropriately.”
“But…” I released my right hand and rubbed my face. It all still did not go down well with me.
“What if he stays silent forever?”
“He can’t.” she replied. “Staying silent forever would mean he ignored you. And he doesn’t ignore. He can’t be silent forever, his word says so. He says in Isaiah forty-nine that even if a mother forgets her child, he can never forget you. And you know, it’s not exactly easy for a mother to neglect or forget her child.”
“How did you do it?” I asked. How could she have trusted so blindly?
“Jesus,” she replied and smiled. “That’s the simple answer.”
“It’s too simple to have been the solution.” I replied and shook my head in disagreement.
“But it’s the truth, see in my line of work I’ve realised that people tend to go through stuff in life. They get frustrated, dejected and unhappy. They then run to drugs, alcohol, sex, food, cravings, romance, spiritualists, professionals like myself for help. But do you know what that does?”
“What?” I inquired.
“It only gives temporary solace. No satisfaction, the feeling of satisfaction gotten is false and temporary too. It doesn’t give the true hope you can only find in God. That’s why addiction is fast becoming a problem in our society. People are looking for solutions trying to fill the void in their souls. But only Jesus can do that. And it’s so sad because his solution is quite simple.”
“How did Jesus help you?”
“I surrendered to him and he helped me heal. I came to realise he had not only forgiven me but he had also forgotten my wrongs. He helped me forgive myself, he helped me forgive the men who molested me, he helped me forgive my relatives who doubted me, my church members, my father. He helped me through the pain of my mother’s death. He helped me become stronger. But I had to learn patience.”
“Patience?” I questioned, first it was faith now it was patience. I really wanted to laugh out loud.
“Yes. You see, a lot of people are yet to realise that faith and patience are two sides of a coin. You have to believe God for what he can do but you also have to patiently trust that he’d do it at his own timing. Because his timing is never wrong.”
This was all hard for me to process. It really was. None of what she said changed the fact that I was pregnant as a teenager.
“Let me ask you this,” she said.
I wondered what it was that she wanted to ask.
“When you considered committing suicide, did you think about how it would affect your boyfriend?”
I froze mentally, how could that be? I had not stopped to consider Azeez for one moment. I had only wanted to ease the pain, I had not thought of how my death would affect him. I had never considered that I would not see him again.
“You don’t have an answer,” the doctor asked.
“Erm…” I stuttered, struggling to find the words.
“You felt comfortable with him, you ran to him to fill the void only Jesus can fill. Can you see that it was just temporary solace?” she asked and I could not bring myself to answer.
I hated that she was right. How could I not have thought about Azeez? I had just wanted to die and end the pain I felt.
“The truth is even if you considered him, you’d still get to find out in the long run that it’s all a temporary fix.” She pulled out a ply of tissue from a box on the table and offered me to dry my eyes.
I did and she then said.
“See, your life isn’t over. I’ve told you this before. This isn’t part of my job as a professional but I’d be wicked if I just allowed you leave here today without telling you the truth.”
“But I’m young, I’m not ready to be a mother.” I replied.
That was an unchanging truth.
To be continued.
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